Monday, January 18, 2010

10 Rules for the perfect record shop

  1. The shop should only sell music. No DVDs, books or video games. 
  2. Discs should be easily browseable, sorted by artist and by genre. 
  3. The proprietor(s) should be extremely knowledgeable about the most obscure corners of the music spectrum and be prepared to flaunt this knowledge at any opportunity. Mild sarcasm is allowed if a customer's desired purchase falls below their very high standards. 
  4. Vinyl (preferably second-hand) should be given as much floor space as CDs. 
  5. Lighting should be low-key, if not downright dark. Natural light is to be discouraged. 
  6. Music should be playing at all times. Such music must not, at any time, reflect current popular, or even critical, acclaim. Any enquiries of the proprietor as to what is actually playing at any given time may be greeted with raised eyebrows and snorts of derision. 
  7. On each visit, you should be able to search the racks of your favourite artist(s) and find items you did not know existed. 
  8. You should be allowed to browse at your leisure - for hours at a time - without interruption. ON NO ACCOUNT should the proprietor or any other member of staff ask if they can help you find what you are looking for. 
  9. The walls should be papered with concert posters, obscure vinyl picture sleeves and ticket stubs. No original wall space should be visible. 
  10. The faint smell of patchouli should linger on the air.


Stu said...

Sounds pretty much like the record shop run by John Cusack's character in "High Fidelity"...except for the lack of a manic Jack Black running round insulting customers!

Be nice to think that such a place still survives, but like George Orwell's ideal pub - The Moon Over Water - probably only in parts and in various places.

simonc68 said...

One day Paul, one day....

I would add the following rules:

11. There should be no sofas, chairs for punters to sit down and browse in. The only such items should be reserved for the sole use of the proprietor(s) and their associates.

12. There should be a general policy of hushed silence similar to a library apart for the music playing in #6 above. No one should laugh and joke except for the the proprietor(s) and their associates (usually at the punters and their lack of music knowledge). Certainly mobile phones should be not be used!

13. On no account should the proprietor(s) use the internet for orders etc. Well used old paper catalogues from long since forgotten record labels should be used at all times.

14. The proprietor(s)need to have the ability to put on a poker style face for dealing with a mug punter who brings in a stack of old records to sell that includes one valuable gem and have the ability to say £10 for the lot without a smile or grin appearing on their face(s).

15. As an amendment to #1 - second hand copies of old defunct magazines such as Select, Vox, Sounds etc may be sold at the proprietor(s) discretion.